Ways to deal with grief

Grief is a hard subject, over time I have learnt a lot about it, at one point I only knew of it or heard about it, but I hadn’t experienced it yet. Then when I turned 16 my dad passed away, and nothing in this world can prepare you for such experience.

It's like a shock to your brain, and it takes months for it to even sink in, you feel like you’re in a dream, there were even days I’d go to call my dad about something that happened in my day and I’d just sit there and realize… oh wait he’s not here anymore, then a feeling of dread starts to sink in.
It’s going day by day acting like everything is fine when it really feels like your whole life is falling apart, and they’re always there in the back of your mind no matter what you’re doing during the day.
It's going about your usual routines but your mind is completely somewhere else, like you’re on pilot mode.

There’s just nothing in this world that can prepare you for the day someone is here and the next they aren’t, even if someone you love has given a time frame of how long they have to live and you try to live every moment with them as much as you can, when the day comes the pain is still the same, like someone just comes and rips your heart out and walks away, and never comes back.

When my dad passed it was unexpected, I never thought the day would come and then it did. I didn’t even know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do next, where to go, who to see, what to say and most of all I wasn’t given the tools or advice on how to deal with it properly when the time did come. One thing about grief is that it is heavy, it takes up all of your energy, you won’t even have the energy to have a 5-minute conversation because your body feels like it’s breaking down and using all of it’s energy to try to deal with the grief. During the process you’ll probably eat less, maybe sleep less… sleep more, withdrawal a bit more and probably will just want to keep to yourself.

One thing about grief I noticed it that it can make you feel so alone, if you don’t have someone to go through it with, it just feels like you have this massive weight on your shoulders that you almost swear some people can see, but a lot of people are afraid to ask or talk about it, like people know you have just gone through something traumatic and they just don’t know what to say or do because they’re too scared to hurt you more or make you upset, but what people don’t realize is just by doing that it makes the person grieving feel more alone and uncomfortable, we don’t know what to do or say sometimes either, but if you know someone and you care for them and they’re currently grieving, don’t be afraid to talk too them, ask if they’re okay, if they want someone to talk too or just go to the store with, just so they go outside to get their mind off things, or sometimes it’s just the matter of sitting in silence together just so they have some company. I think when people grieve their support systems should have their focus more on the person that is grieving, than just themselves and how their day is going, or some drama comes up in their life and feel they can still go too that friend and emotionally dump on them. Unless you’re going to that person to check up on them and make sure they’re okay and giving them a shoulder to cry on, don’t dump your problems onto them, it’s not that they aren’t listening or don’t care, they mentally and physically just can’t take it during that time, they can only take so much in the day and slowly.

One mistake I made was thinking I could deal with it alone, and almost not dealing with it and thinking it would just go away on It’s own, but grief is different, grief is patient, it will sit there and wait till you’re ready to deal with it, that could be a couple of months later, a year later, or if you’re like me.. over 5 years later. To some degree I feel It’s because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it, and I didn’t have the support system to deal with it either, I was too afraid for therapy, and I was even more afraid of dealing with it and coming to the realities of my dad passing. For those 5+ years I couldn’t even look at a photo of my dad, I just couldn’t get myself to do it because of how much pain it would bring, these days I can look at a photo and laugh, but I sometimes cry too.
That year, after so long I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I let it out, and it was like grief was sitting there, waiting patiently for me, but after I started to finally be emotional, I saw a change in my eyes, they were more clear, I became happier, I started to find myself more that year too, it really took a weight off my shoulders.

If I could give any advice, it would be to let it out, be emotional, sit with the emotion, I know it’s hard, I know it’s painful I know sometimes you feel like your heart is getting ripped out and it will never be the same again, I felt for so long that I had a hole in my heart and it would never repair, I would tell myself I had a whole in my heart and no one could ever fill that space, but one year I found my partner and he told me he promises to do everything he can to make sure he fills that hole in my heart.  

Just because someone’s life has come to an end doesn’t mean yours has to as well, you deserve to be happy and to still live your life, you don’t have to keep your life on hold because theirs came to an end. I know with all of my heart that your loved ones want you to be happy, and to live your life to the fullest, they don’t want you to spend every moment given being sad, they’re still there with you in spirit, whether you believe in the after life or not, their spirit is still there, it protects you every day, it watches over you, and they’re there with you during your happiest moments too, sometimes when you feel like they’re there, it’s because they are, or when they pop into your head, or you see a certain bird, butterfly, any type of symbol or sign of them, it’s because it is them, telling you they’re still here.

I know not everyone is spiritual and has these type of beliefs, but having this thought process saved my life, I mentally was not coping with the fact that someone passes and they’re never here again, not even a small sign, but to feel and know they’re there in spirit and guiding you on your life path to become the best version of yourself and there every step of the way through the ups and downs, that makes me want to live another day.

Thankyou

Mother, Father, God, & so it is.

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