Ways to deal with grief

Grief is a hard subject, over time I have learnt a lot about it, at one point I only knew of it or heard about it, but I hadn’t experienced it yet. Then when I turned 16 my dad passed away, and nothing in this world can prepare you for such experience.

It's like a shock to your brain, and it takes months for it to even sink in, you feel like you’re in a dream, there were even days I’d go to call my dad about something that happened in my day and I’d just sit there and realize… oh wait he’s not here anymore, then a feeling of dread starts to sink in.
It’s going day by day acting like everything is fine when it really feels like your whole life is falling apart, and they’re always there in the back of your mind no matter what you’re doing during the day.
It's going about your usual routines but your mind is completely somewhere else, like you’re on pilot mode.

There’s just nothing in this world that can prepare you for the day someone is here and the next they aren’t, even if someone you love has given a time frame of how long they have to live and you try to live every moment with them as much as you can, when the day comes the pain is still the same, like someone just comes and rips your heart out and walks away, and never comes back.

When my dad passed it was unexpected, I never thought the day would come and then it did. I didn’t even know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do next, where to go, who to see, what to say and most of all I wasn’t given the tools or advice on how to deal with it properly when the time did come. One thing about grief is that it is heavy, it takes up all of your energy, you won’t even have the energy to have a 5-minute conversation because your body feels like it’s breaking down and using all of it’s energy to try to deal with the grief. During the process you’ll probably eat less, maybe sleep less… sleep more, withdrawal a bit more and probably will just want to keep to yourself.

One thing about grief I noticed it that it can make you feel so alone, if you don’t have someone to go through it with, it just feels like you have this massive weight on your shoulders that you almost swear some people can see, but a lot of people are afraid to ask or talk about it, like people know you have just gone through something traumatic and they just don’t know what to say or do because they’re too scared to hurt you more or make you upset, but what people don’t realize is just by doing that it makes the person grieving feel more alone and uncomfortable, we don’t know what to do or say sometimes either, but if you know someone and you care for them and they’re currently grieving, don’t be afraid to talk too them, ask if they’re okay, if they want someone to talk too or just go to the store with, just so they go outside to get their mind off things, or sometimes it’s just the matter of sitting in silence together just so they have some company. I think when people grieve their support systems should have their focus more on the person that is grieving, than just themselves and how their day is going, or some drama comes up in their life and feel they can still go too that friend and emotionally dump on them. Unless you’re going to that person to check up on them and make sure they’re okay and giving them a shoulder to cry on, don’t dump your problems onto them, it’s not that they aren’t listening or don’t care, they mentally and physically just can’t take it during that time, they can only take so much in the day and slowly.

One mistake I made was thinking I could deal with it alone, and almost not dealing with it and thinking it would just go away on It’s own, but grief is different, grief is patient, it will sit there and wait till you’re ready to deal with it, that could be a couple of months later, a year later, or if you’re like me.. over 5 years later. To some degree I feel It’s because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it, and I didn’t have the support system to deal with it either, I was too afraid for therapy, and I was even more afraid of dealing with it and coming to the realities of my dad passing. For those 5+ years I couldn’t even look at a photo of my dad, I just couldn’t get myself to do it because of how much pain it would bring, these days I can look at a photo and laugh, but I sometimes cry too.
That year, after so long I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I let it out, and it was like grief was sitting there, waiting patiently for me, but after I started to finally be emotional, I saw a change in my eyes, they were more clear, I became happier, I started to find myself more that year too, it really took a weight off my shoulders.

If I could give any advice, it would be to let it out, be emotional, sit with the emotion, I know it’s hard, I know it’s painful I know sometimes you feel like your heart is getting ripped out and it will never be the same again, I felt for so long that I had a hole in my heart and it would never repair, I would tell myself I had a whole in my heart and no one could ever fill that space, but one year I found my partner and he told me he promises to do everything he can to make sure he fills that hole in my heart.  

Just because someone’s life has come to an end doesn’t mean yours has to as well, you deserve to be happy and to still live your life, you don’t have to keep your life on hold because theirs came to an end. I know with all of my heart that your loved ones want you to be happy, and to live your life to the fullest, they don’t want you to spend every moment given being sad, they’re still there with you in spirit, whether you believe in the after life or not, their spirit is still there, it protects you every day, it watches over you, and they’re there with you during your happiest moments too, sometimes when you feel like they’re there, it’s because they are, or when they pop into your head, or you see a certain bird, butterfly, any type of symbol or sign of them, it’s because it is them, telling you they’re still here.

I know not everyone is spiritual and has these type of beliefs, but having this thought process saved my life, I mentally was not coping with the fact that someone passes and they’re never here again, not even a small sign, but to feel and know they’re there in spirit and guiding you on your life path to become the best version of yourself and there every step of the way through the ups and downs, that makes me want to live another day.

Thankyou

Mother, Father, God, & so it is.

Blog photo from kiracyan.design on Instagram

I choose me

Depression, depression is a big subject, one that I think about a lot, a psychologist once told me that everyone will experience depression at least once in their life, from maybe losing a job, from someone passing away, when you go through a break up, from a wide range of things, and all situations effect everyone differently, one situation that you might be able to get over or learn how to cope with better, may be the one thing that drives someone into depression.

There is also a wide range of symptoms when it comes too depression, I am in no form a psychologist, therapist or doctor, but I’ve had my own experiences of dealing with depression and seeing others experience and go through it first-hand.

Depression can range from mild to severe, maybe you go through a phase in your life something has happened and you’re feeling a bit more sad, un motivated, lethargic, tired and just not having the best thoughts, and maybe you can decide to see a therapist or have a close friend to talk too and eventually you feel you get out of the fog, but with some people, they can’t get out of the fog.

I’ve gone through a long journey of depression myself, that I’m still trying to figure it out as I go, but I have felt I got put through this journey so I can really understand it and also use what I can and the knowledge I’ve gained over time to help people.

It’s only been the last few years I came to realize that I actually had depression and it took me months to come to terms with it, I had this mentality that there must be something wrong with me, and why can’t I do this on my own and do I need medication because I’m not capable to figure it out by myself or maybe I’m just too weak minded.

I think my symptoms started around the age of 13, possibly earlier, but I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at the age of 23. Maybe if I was diagnosed and given medication at a younger age my life decisions would have been completely different, or my life. Or maybe I would still be struggling to cope and switching medications, which I see ends up happening with a lot of people. They’ll be on the medication but the symptoms are still the same, and they try different types but it always seems to still be there.

What I’ve come to notice is that depression isn’t always just you aren’t feeling like your usual self and your moods are more lows than highs, and just maybe seeing a talk therapist or medication will solve the problem, I’ve become aware that depression is so much more than that.

It takes more than just seeing a therapist or medication, medication helps, and if you feel that’s the right path for you, you should have no shame in it at all, some peoples brain just can’t produce the chemicals it really needs, and that’s okay, and if you need some extra help and assistance there is nothing wrong with asking for help. It got to the point one day I just wasn’t coping anymore, I felt for a few years there I was struggling, extremely, I could barely get out of bed, I could only manage working a 15-20 hour week because I mentally and physically couldn’t do any more than that, and on a daily basis I had suicidal thoughts.

I noticed it more sometime after my mum passed, my dad had also passed years prior to this. It’s a really weird space to be in, being 23 and having no parents, no support system, and on top a bunch of other things. There was a day I went to the beach with my partner and we sat down watching the sunset and I said “I just don’t want to be here anymore, I really don’t, this isn’t fair”. I think about that day a lot because now I visit the same beach several times a week, and my emotional and mental state has changed so much that I haven’t had those kinds of thoughts for over a year now. I went from having severe depression to the point I had suicidal thoughts constantly running unless I slept, too now my mind feels clear, I’m more energized, I genuinely feel happy emotions like, love, and joy on a daily basis, have gone back to laughing so much more, and actually seeing a future and having hope for myself, when I previously was in a space where I didn’t feel a single positive emotion and had no hope for myself or my future.

I know there’s some people out there, or maybe reading this and you could be going through your own journey of depression, and sometimes it really feels like it won’t get better, and there’s no way out, or you hate your life and really feel like this just isn’t going to improve or ever get better. But I promise you, it gets better, you’re going through a tough period in your life, and it seems like there no end too it and no way out, but it’s just a period in your life, I promise you it is not your whole life and you’re not meant to suffer your whole life, you deserve so much more.

There is more to life than feeling so depressed you don’t even have the energy to live, and feeling like that your whole life and then you die, it’s not meant to be that way, and you deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life.

There are several aspects that have helped me over time with my journey, a lot of things can set you into depression, but also keep you there. The thing about depression you get stuck into a mindset, your mind automatically thinks the worst, and will find the worst, It’s hard to find the good things in life, so if something bad happens, It’s almost like a confirmation like “ugh of course that happened”. I feel what makes it hard to get out of depression is that it requires so much more than just medication and it requires major changes in your life.

Awareness

The first step is awareness, you have to become aware of the fact you have depression, I went a whole decade without realizing I even had depression, and you think how can you not know? There’s a lot of reasons. If your mood, behaviours and mentality is always a certain way for so long, why would you think there is anything wrong if you’ve always been that way, you feel as if that’s just your personality. I had to get too the point where it was so obvious, I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact I was depressed, and even then, I second guessed it for months. Awareness is the first key, if you aren’t sure confide in a friend, family member or your partners advice, that you really trust and talk to them about it, or talk to your doctor about it and they’ll do a mental health screening to see how you’re coping and if really needed, next is seeing a psychologist for a proper diagnosis. You have to become aware of the problem first to be able to solve the problem

Surroundings

Your surroundings play a huge factor into the person you are and who you become, depending on where you are in your life’s journey you need to become aware of your surroundings, how is your living situation? Are you living with a partner, maybe friends or family, how are they as people? how do they treat you? is the environment safe? Do you feel calm at home or do you always feel uptight and hostile? It’s not just where you live, it’s the friends you choose to hang out with, the family members you choose to interact with, the job you work, everything affects it. If your friends don’t make you feel important, loved and you aren’t emotionally connecting because you, them or both, are emotionally closed off then you feel you have no one to trust, or to talk too when things aren’t going well for you, and that contributes too the depression. It’s very hard to change friends or decide to end a relationship especially if you have been together for a long time, but your mental health is important and so are you, everyone deserves real authentic relationships where they feel loved, heard, appreciation and important, if a friend can’t put something aside for you that isn’t important when you’re really in need of some advice or comfort, then you need a new friend.

Partners

It’s the same for romantic partners, they are one of the biggest reasons in your life if someone can make or break you, they can either improve your life so much and bring so much love, joy, care and happiness in your life, or quite literally ruin your life. You make major life decisions together, you become mirrors of each other, so you have to pick your partners wisely.

Family

The same goes for family, they may be blood, but no one deserves to be mis treated, disrespected, misunderstood, unheard or abused, you have every right to distance yourself or cut ties with who ever you feel is mentally and emotionally affecting you in a negative way, you have to do what is best for you, and if someone really loved and cared for you they would want the same. There are also your family dynamics, does depression run in your family? How did the members cope with it? Are they on medication or still on it? Why do you think that is? Have your family members ever dealt with the emotional hardships they’ve gone through in their life, are they truly living the life they wanted, are they truly internally happy? A lot of your answers come from how your parents cope in life and have navigated themselves through their own life.

There are so many angles of what can cause depression and keep you stuck in that space, over my own journey I have learnt so much, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve ended romantic relationships, started a new one, ended friendships and made new ones, cut communication from family members and moved houses several times. I’ve actively made decisions over time I felt for me were the right decision to help me be able to improve and heal myself mentally and emotionally. Sometimes you need space from certain surroundings just so you can really analyse is this environment good for me. Sometimes you won’t realize how toxic an environment or person is until you’re out of that environment and in a better one.

I’m still a work in progress, I’m still on medication, I still have days I feel more off than the others, but I feel myself and my partner can agree I have completely changed as a person since going on this journey, I feel I have grown more into my authentic self and becoming who I truly am and who I’m truly meant to be, because I followed my own heart, I put more trust into myself, I started to love myself more and not continue to seek it in other people, and I started to stand up for myself, working through depression isn’t just wanting to feel happy, It’s re learning behaviours that aren’t benefiting you anymore, It’s romantic relationship that aren’t meant for you anymore or friends you don’t click with no longer but still force yourself to see, and putting up with family members disrespecting you just because they’re family. It’s finally saying to yourself, I deserve love, I deserve joy and I deserve happiness, and that’s what I’m choosing in my life, and now I finally choose me.

Blog photo by Alyssia.strasser on Instagram

When you listen to life, life will listen to you.

In my previous blog, “Relationships are mirrors” I explained about how life will teach you certain lessons, based around relationships, and how they will keep repeating till you learn them, life will also teach you in other ways,
I have a belief that when we are born, everything is already written, whatever you’re meant to do or achieve in this life was written even before you were born, I also believe you can shape this depending on what you choose in this life, you can choose to learn the lessons life is handing too you or you can choose to ignore them, of course everyone’s life will be different, in this life your lesson could be to be dependent on yourself and to stand up for yourself, whilst others could be how to not be so codependent on others in their personal relationships, or not be so dependent on money and have a scarcity mentality around it, there’s a lot to learn, but you are born to learn the lessons here on earth to become the best and most authentic version of yourself.

Everyone’s beliefs in life are different, that’s why I feel it’s important to at least have an open mind to different opinions on life, I truly believe this is the reason for us all, to learn our own karmic lessons in this life, you were chosen to be brought into this world for a special purpose, you chose your family before you were even born, and each family member is here to teach you something about yourself, even your friends and romantic relationships they are a huge guide as to what you need to work on within yourself, to understand and realize what you were brought here to do in this life.

I think some people feel as if “I guess I was just born because my parents wanted children and now I’m just trying to figure out what to do with myself while I’m here”, but their life usually goes, birth, float around lost, get a few jobs, makes some friends, then you die. There’s more to life than just getting by and you having all these wishes and dreams but it never happens for you, so you build an okay life for yourself then you just pass away, you deserve much more than that, but it requires you to look within yourself, I believe self-development is the answer to figuring out why you’re meant to be here and what you’re meant to do in this world, I believe we are here to help each other, but we tend to take things personal, if you’ve had a previous relationship or friendship and it didn’t work out, you would take it personal and probably hold a grudge, but It’s not the case, the relationships was there to teach you a lesson, what did you learn? Did you learn you needed to set more boundaries for yourself? Did you learn you needed more authentic friendships? Did you learn you could possibly be codependent?, all these things are okay, you don’t have to feel ashamed, but you have to forgive yourself so you can learn from it and release it, because that’s when the good things in life start to come in.

I see this quite often In people, I observe from the outside and see someone having the same lesson back to back, but because they don’t realize it’s a lesson, and just think coincidently they keep meeting the same people, the internal issue doesn’t get dealt with and the lesson just continues, you can save yourself more grief and hurt if you have the open mind to maybe at least think,  “I can give this a try, maybe this is trying to teach me something”, you also have to be honest with yourself, you will never learn and move forward in life if the blame is always put on the other person, the other person was only put into your life to teach you something about yourself, it always comes back to you, that’s why I also think it’s important not to put too much focus on what others are doing, everyone’s life is different It’s not supposed to look the same, or achieve things at the same time as others, example, be married by a certain age, no one knows when and what time it’s written that someone else is meant to be getting married or buy a house, whatever it is, so even if you’re feeling pressure from friends and family, no one truly knows but you, that answer comes from being true to yourself and listening to yourself, if you really feel you’ll buy a house around 30, but everyone is buying one now, don’t feel pressure about it, if It’s meant for you it will always come to you, and it’ll be exactly what you want and needed because you always stayed true to yourself.
When you listen to life, life will listen to you.

Relationships are mirrors

11 Dec Written By Nicole Schwabenbauer

One thing I know for sure is that, if you don’t heal what you have been through or what has happened too you it will stay, and it will wait.
Life is a big lesson, and if you don’t learn the certain lessons that are given too you they will keep showing up in your life until you learn the lesson. One is the relationship with your parents, your parents can wound you in certain ways, and if you are unaware of it and the traumas you experienced from the relationship with your parents, they will show up in your other relationships, if you were a child that had to put in so much effort just to get your parents love or acceptance, chances are once you start dating and get into a relationship you will attract the same dynamic, and because you’re used to this you might think, “I put in so much effort because I love them so much and that’s what love is, It’s a lot of effort.”

But there’s a difference between putting in effort and over extending yourself, love that makes you lose yourself is not love, It’s an attachment and It’s a trauma bond.
The trauma bond will feel electric and almost obsessive, like every time you go to give up on this person It’s like a magnet that always pulls you back, and I feel until you work through and look at the reasons why, you will continue to attract it, some people won’t understand this, they’ll ask “why did you make such a stupid decision to date someone like that?”, but a lot of it is unconscious even you don’t know why sometimes, why does someone keep going back to someone that mentally and emotionally abuses them?, if that was the same as what they felt when they were a child from their parents, they don’t know any better, because the love feels the same, people can argue they didn’t treat their child a certain way and they were raised fine, but if your child has a certain way they need to be loved like with words of affirmation and quality time but all you do is buy them things and never give them a compliment, and neglect quality time, you aren’t loving your child right, It’s hard to put your ego aside and to admit maybe I am wrong, but if you never acknowledge what you’ve done right or wrong in your life, you can never live past that experience and the experience will keep living in you.

I went through two horrible experiences and once I had my second relationship after, I sat and asked myself, what am I doing?, am I doing something wrong?, what is the reason as to why I keep attracting this?. I spent years avoiding relationships after the first one and thought It’ll just get better next time, but never dealing with what happened and WHY, so I attracted the exact same relationship next time, but it hurt more, life will hand you the same situation till you understand, and I knew after the last one I had to sit and understand, because I wouldn’t have lived through another one.

It's not about blaming yourself for everything that has gone wrong in your life, some things are really out of our control, but you have to sit and ask yourself why is this your life, is this the one you really want for yourself, you deserve a good, loving and open relationship, why aren’t you receiving that?, you have to start with yourself, do you feel as if you don’t deserve a wonderful relationship?, where does that idea come from? did someone say that to you over time, or someone made you feel as if you didn’t deserve more than that?, do you have certain walls up so high no one can get in, why is that?, you have to ask yourself a lot of questions and get clear on the answers, you can lie to other people, but never lie to yourself, the person that will always suffer the most is yourself, It’s family trauma and it continues till someone decides to heal it, I see it in other family’s and I see it in my own.

Having awareness is the first step, unless you’re aware of your traumas and the decisions you’re making you can go your whole life unconsciously making decisions.
I notice a lot of people make decisions and not sit and ask why, they choose a certain partner but why, want to move somewhere.. but what’s the reason, and not a simple because “I like them”, a real answer. I feel sometimes deep down people know a partner is wrong for them but they’re pushing a certain lifestyle on themselves, they feel pressure to have a partner or to get married, so whoever they’re currently dating, even if It’s a trauma bond they force it as long as they can to say they’re in a relationship, or to say they’re married or getting married, but you should ask yourself why am I doing that?, why do I need others validation so badly that even if something isn’t truly for me I’m forcing it, because I feel that’s what I have to do, you can force a relationship as long as you want, but if It’s not authentic and coming from your soul eventually it’ll end and a lesson you could’ve learnt earlier, but instead, you’re just extending it out to learn later.

Blog photo by alyssia.strasser on Instagram

Self Care

People tend to stop caring about their health once they get to a certain age, or even when they’re young they don’t care enough about their health, even once they have a health scare it still doesn’t affect them enough to make a change, you don’t want to get to the point where your health is so bad that you want to do something but can’t, because you physically can’t do it anymore, this seems to be when people have a sudden heart attack or have symptoms but don’t take it seriously enough, but if you don’t have good health you don’t have much else left.

Same with bad eating habits people will know It’s bad or the foods they’re eating aren’t very nutritional but decide to do it still, is it laziness.. or just not having the mentality to want to change it, not caring enough, health is the main reason why people pass so early on.

Your partner can affect your health also, if you’re wanting to start making healthier food choices and go to the gym but your partners eating habits are bad, they don’t eat frequently, they always want take away and they don’t care for physical health it’ll make your own health journey harder, I feel if It’s the right partner for you, they would adjust and also want the best for themselves and try to improve their eating habits also, not wanting to workout and eat healthy is a form of self sabotage, why would you not want better for yourself?, to be in better shape, and to have better physical and mental health, the more you ignore it the more of a problem it becomes later, it doesn’t fix itself, you have to find ways that work for you and to improve on your own health, I think to always start first with your mental health, if your mental health isn’t good and your thoughts are negative and you feel low, chances are you won’t have the best physical health either because your decisions are based on how you think and feel about yourself on the outside, to be in good shape I feel you have to have good mental health too, because if you can mentally push yourself in a good way, you can physically do anything.

My own health has been up and down for years, I exercised to stay skinny and punished myself more than just wanting to be strong and healthy, my eating habits were okay.. but I also would binge eat, I managed to kick the binge eating once I dealt with emotional problems I was going through, once I started to address things that were wrong in my life and slowly trying to improve them, my binge eating stopped on It’s own, usually you’ll binge eat because you think you had a bad day or you feel horrible, but instead of sitting and asking why and maybe how can I change the situation It’s easier to get some quick gratification by eating foods that aren’t the best for us but give us that dopamine hit, the binge cycle continues till we work through our own issues.

I still got work to do, consistency is another one, I think you have to set yourself up for the day or week, if you know it gets past a certain time and you won’t exercise make sure you set the day to exercise first thing in the morning instead of after any other activities, so by the time you finally get home after the other activities your energy is low.
Another one is walking, at the start just say “I can do 5 minutes them come home”, it seems short but by the time you walk outside and do 5 minutes you’ll end up doing 10 minutes or more, another is being present, if I think about what happened 3 weeks ago or way to in too the future how can I focus on what I’m meant to do today, it’s good to write a list of things you want to achieve in the future, maybe doing 10K steps a day, so on your days off if you aren’t going out maybe do two, 30 minute walks during the day to help reach those steps, and trying to make the goals achievable, if you don’t have an active job, and if you’re not overly active on days off or at home, don’t force yourself to go to gym 6 days a week and hit 10K steps a day, start small, go for 10 minute walks a day if you can and start with 2 gym training days a week, once your body adjusts you’ll eventually add more into your weekly routine, the main thing is to think how can I sustain this? if you’re wanting to improve your health, your health is for life, not till you look a certain way or lost some weight, it takes work to maintain your mental health and it takes work to maintain your physical, so It’s something you want to keep doing till old age, things you know you can do daily and weekly with minimal slip ups is the best option.

I noticed what you do first thing in the morning affects the rest of the day, I know if I over sleep and sleep in till 11am chances of me working out of going for a walk is slim, I’ll wake up with a headache, I’ll be light headed the rest of the day and have no physical or mental energy, and trying to work up the energy doesn’t work the same as if you woke up early in the morning and exercised, a lot is also discipline, but It’s easier to get these things done doing something you enjoy, don’t like the gym by yourself? try to get your partner to go with you or a friend when they can, once you go a few times with your friend It’s easier later to also go by yourself, working out first thing in the morning works best for me it wakes my brain up first thing in the morning so by the time I’ve finished, my brain is switched on and ready for whatever I need to do for the rest of the day, and it also gives your brain the momentum it needs to get other tasks done in the day, even just going for a walk first thing in the morning the forward movement actually gives your brain the movement it needs to complete other tasks and push through hard task.

I think people may think It’s a matter of walking too much and being in the gym 6 days a week and eating salads only, but It’s about balance, making sure you get movement in during the day, eating nutritional foods but enough to make you feel full and not so much you feel sick, and going to the gym that suits you, if the days you work are long hour days like 12 hour shifts, then go to gyms on the days you have off and go for a walk even with your partner when the sun is coming down, because 1. you’re both getting exercise and 2. It’s a great way to bond.

People that tend to have good mental and physical health are the ones that are usually most successful, you can’t feel horrible about yourself but believe you will achieve so much in life, it doesn’t go hand in hand, pushing yourself and training yourself to have discipline and good habits for your health will spread over to other areas in your life, you have to have the confidence and feel good about yourself and a strong mentality to believe you can achieve whatever you set your mind to do, It’s just taking the first step to see a therapist if you need, book a personal trainer or see a nutritionist if you aren’t sure if your eating habits are the best, none of these are a waste of your time, It’s an investment in yourself and to help improve yourself, the key to achieving anything in life is to always work on self development and improvement, we aren’t born perfect and there’s always something to work on, if you know there’s a bad habit you have and you want to change, start with that.

Blog photo by alyssia.strasser on Instagram